What should you do in a disciplinary meeting? Strategy 3: play it both ways
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We’ve discussed here and here the other two options of fighting, or admitting. There is a third option of splitting the difference, and often it’s a good option, but its not always the best option, and can be hard to pull off.
What is it
In short, admit it, but defend it. It’s like putting up your hands palms outs, but on one hand, only raising your index finger (picture it). You’re admitting that you’ve done the wrong thing; owning it and learning from it. But in addition you would like to either a) dispute some concerns because you don’t think they are fair, b)it was an accidental mistake and not a case of intent or knowing indifference as it appears, and/or c) explain your reasoning at the time was understandable, albeit wrong.
This is a little complicated, so I’ll give an example. You may have said something offensive- a workplace inappropriate joke for example. You accept that the offended person didn’t appreciate it, and shouldn’t have heard that in the workplace, so you will endeavour to be more careful of your audience in the future. In your defence, you didn’t tell it to them but a co-worker, but you hadn’t realised they were there (this could easily happen in an open plan office). In short, I did it, it’s not their fault but mine, I’ll be more careful in the future, but it wasn’t as callous as it may appear.
How to do it
There are many ways, but here’s a good way: 1) start with the admittance of fault. 2) Explain your side of the story. 3) Explain how you’ve reflected on it, and will do things differently next time. This is distinct from the ‘mea culpa’ option (see here) because at the heart you are defending what you did, as you saw it at the time but now see it differently. Remember the problem with the word ‘but’ (that every word in an apology means little if it’s followed by a ’but’), so be sure to follow your explanation with assurances things will be different in the future.
When it does work
It works in most situations. It’s most effective where the situation is very subjective and dependent on personal interpretation of human behaviour. If the problem is that other people see your behaviour, its easy to say ‘I didn’t people to feel that, I’ll change, I thought it was ok at the time, but I’ll do things differently in the future. Your boss wants the problem to go away, and the situation to return to calm seas (see here) so it’s best to give them assurances you’ll do your part, but you may not want the allegation of incorrect behaviour to stick.
It also works well if you’ve a support person. See here for how they can play a bit of bad-cop to your good-cop, and this can be a little harder for them if they are also an employee, but a support person can fight your corner to stop the allegation sticking, while you say what needs to be said to get the relationships back on track.
When it doesn’t work
It may not get you out of theft and other ‘unforgivable crimes’ (see here for more), but it’s often a fair approach to take if done correctly. It can less effective than the ‘oops really sorry’ option (see here) if what you’ve done is unexplainable; for example, there’s little talking your way out of arriving late to work, or an absolute foot-in-mouth joke.
It tends to fail if it’s little more than a gritted teeth apology (see here for more). The difference between this strategy and a ‘sorry, but not really sorry’ approach is the assurances for the future. As discussed here what your boss wants is confidence for the future- they’re busy, they don’t want distractions and dramas like this in the future.
