What is it like to raise a Personal Grievance?
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There are no positive emotions here. If you feel some, congratulations. I discussed the reasons for why people take PGs here, so you can potentially relate to some of those. But let’s discuss some of the emotions here, and in their common order- this is not a list that is prescriptive in completeness or order; for you, some may be missing, or in a different order.
Remember this is based on NZ law, so NZ terminology (see here for more on this discussion). But this is a discussion on the emotions of the process, it’s going to be very similar, and if you’re not from NZ you’ll still something. Just substitute PG for whatever term your country uses and you’ll take something away from this.
First it’s anger
Raising a PG is an act of defiance, an act of righteous anger. Your boss has a plan for how the world will go on as if everything is fine, and you are standing up and objecting to that, and saying ‘that’s not right, I am not going to pretend that everything that just happened is fine’.
Raising a PG is a pretty angry action. These were people you spent a reasonable amount of time working for, and relied upon to pay your bills and support your family. To give a Freudian analogy, to raise a PG is like suing your parents. You’re not wrong to do so, but it either requires or elicits the same anger as telling off your parents.
Then it’s fight or flight
I talk more about flight or fight in the workplace here and it’s even more prevalent when raising a PG. Anger is a short-lived emotion, a state of heightened pulses and flared nostrils. It’s replaced by either cold, hard stubborn resolve (fight) or mild panic of ‘what have I gotten myself into’? If you’ve resolved to fight, fight on. If your flight mode kicks in, you can either do one of two things.
Flight can be just conflict avoidance. Most of us are conflict-adverse people, so not wanting to be in dispute with others is very reasonable. But you could be right, and they could be wrong, and to back down for the sake of harmony could be letting them win. If you want a test, imagine (or even do it) explaining the situation to someone on the bus, and asking them if you’re right. If a rational every-person stranger would agree with you, then your initial anger was right, and perhaps you should continue.
Alternatively, waking up two days later with a cold, what-has-my-temper-done-now objective view could correct. Raising the PG could be an emotive act, and your feelings of flight now make sense. If so, you can drop it, you can quit at any time (see here for the sunk cost fallacy). Or you can readjust your strategy and your expectations (see here for more).
Telling your story is cathartic
I often look for simpler words to convey the same idea, but for this there is no better word than cartharsis. Cartharsis is the calm relief you feel after letting out strong emotions, and it’s a perfect word for the feeling you feel when you get to tell your story to your boss, and they have to listen to it, whether in mediation or in court.
Then it’s deflation, or maybe elation
Once you’ve gotten your story heard, we move to both sides talking turkey. Negotiating a deal that could end the conflict (see here if you are in mediation). You should have expectations of what you are looking for (see here), and based on what outcome is (i.e. how much, or no deal) you will feel either happy or disappointed. Most likely the later.
If you’re in mediation, you’re in a compromise environment, where the parties reflect on the strengths and weaknesses of their respective cases and weigh them accordingly to find a price, and bargain over their positions to reach a compromise. Remember that a good compromise leaves everyone equally unhappy, so expect to feel a sense of mixed relief and disappointment.
Courts work differently, and are more winner-takes-all. Courts are arbitrators, so they definitively decide who was right, and who was wrong. So if you’re here, you’ll find out if you were right, or if you were wrong, so expect deflation or elation.
Then it’s regret
It will take time (possibly years) to process the emotions of a PG. with such a long tail of emotional processing, it’s inevitable that you will feel regret in some form or another. Expect this, and worry if you feel regret. Hindsight is 20:20, and you’re likely to see missed opportunities, embarrassing behaviour, poor decisions. But what is done is done, and it can’t be changed, only learnt from. You if decide that you truly regret your decisions, avoid feeling guilty, just focus on learning from it for next time.
